An empathy cafe is a facilitation method which allows each individual to speak and be heard for whatever is alive for them. Participants take turns to speak for an allocated time, and another participant reflects back what they have heard.
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An empathy cafe is a facilitation method in which participants are broken into small groups (empathy circles), and take turns to speak within their group. Each speaker is allocated a set amount of time to speak.
When their turn begins, the speaker chooses an active listener, whose role it is to reflect back what they’ve heard the speaker express. The other participants also listen, but they do not have an active role, and may not intervene until they become either the listener or the speaker. When the speaker’s time is up, the listener takes on the role of speaker, and chooses a new active listener. This continues for the duration of the empathy cafe, with each participant getting several turns to speak.
The empathy cafe may be themed, in which case each participant has the opportunity to deepen their knowledge, self-understanding, and appreciation of different viewpoints in relation to the theme.
Empathy cafes may also be open-themed, in which case participants may talk about whatever feels alive to them at the time. This option can provide participants with emotional support, and provide a space to share, and be heard for, anything which is causing them emotional difficulty.
Another option is for an empathy cafe to be conflict or issue-based, and they can be used effectively in mediating disputes or as a step towards facilitating decision making.
There is no policing of content during an empathy cafe. It is often said that an empathy circle is ‘a brave space, not a safe space’ - participants are free to express whatever is on their mind, as long as they do not go over the allotted time, and facilitators do not intervene to prevent people from speaking a particular viewpoint, or to de-escalate if someone’s expression is becoming heated. However, a group may choose to set some of its own limitations (for example by making an agreement that racist comments will not be tolerated).
Often after several rounds the participants relax into the format and the conversation deepens. Participants may find that although they think they’ve already said everything they have to say on the topic in question, after a while they begin to discover new insights, and to discover things about themselves that they hadn’t been aware of.
Empathy cafes foster warmth and connection within groups, and provide the opportunity for work colleagues and group members to get to know and understand each other better. They are therefore good for team building.
Empathy cafes teach skills like active listening, and encourage individuals to develop understanding for different perspectives and personality types. While the process is simple, empathy cafes are designed to promote a culture of empathy, and for many people they are the first step on a lifelong journey of deep listening and understanding.
Empathy cafes can also be used as a mediation tool. They can help to de-escalate conflict, and are a useful means for people with different viewpoints (for instance different political beliefs) to better understand each other.
They can be used as part of a decision making process, and can be particularly useful when a collaborative decision needs to be made and there are strongly held positions which seem at odds with each other. Following an empathy cafe, participants are far more likely to be willing to adjust their position to take into account the needs and concerns of other parties to the decision, and empathy cafes can help people to move beyond the closed thinking of an ‘either/or’ decision to reach a new and innovative decision that everyone is happy with.
Empathy cafes were developed by Edwin Rutsch in the US, through his framework ‘building a culture of empathy’.
Edwin also founded the Empathy Tent which travels to events, including political rallies at which he hosts empathy circles to mediate between members of the political right and left.
Not necessarily. Empathy cafes can be a space where people talk about their feelings, but they can equally provide a space for people to discuss ideas and concepts.
This is often dictated by the theme of the empathy cafe, with some themes leading themselves more to intellectual debates than to emotional sharing. Empathy cafes can often go in surprising directions, though. Anything is possible (and welcome).
Reflective listening means repeating back the essence of what you’ve heard someone say. If it’s new to you and you find it hard, the easiest way to start is by repeating the actual words that the person said. As you get more confident, it will start to feel more natural to reflect the content in your own words, and to pick out what was most meaningful to the other person from what they said.
Avoid expressing your own opinions, giving advice, adding info to explain anything they didn’t know about, answering any questions they asked, or talking about what you were reminded of. You will have the opportunity to do any or all of those things when it’s your turn to speak. For now, just focus on repeating back, as accurately as you can, what the other person said.
It’s also important to avoid judgements when reflecting back what someone has said. If they tell you they slammed the door and stormed out of the office, try to stick to reflecting back what they actually said, rather than inserting your interpretations (that they were being rude, or mean, or controlling, or whatever).
Key things to listen for are the feelings and needs that are being expressed. Try to reflect the intensity of the emotion. If someone is expressing deep hurt, or anger, they will feel far more empathy and understanding if the active listener matches their energy by saying in a strong voice with emphasis: ‘you feel really hurt by that’ than if they repeat the same words in a monotone.
Empathy cafes are suitable for anyone. They are a good means for groups who work together to get to know each other better, but they are equally valuable for individuals who will have no ongoing relationship with the other attendees. They are also used as a mediation tool.
Set the theme of the empathy cafe. Ensure you have enough facilitators for the number of subgroups, and that each facilitator has some means of tracking the time. Ensure there are enough spaces for the subgroups to move to, and that there are enough chairs, or whatever is necessary to make people comfortable. Decide how long each person will speak for (usually 3-5 minutes).
Make sure everyone knows which group they are in, where to go, and who the facilitator will be for each group. Set a time limit so each group knows when to report back to the main group. If the empathy cafe is taking place online, set up breakout rooms. If it’s taking place in a face-to-face environment, invite people to move to the space where their group will be hosted.
This step and the following steps take place simultaneously within each of the subgroups, with an individual facilitator leading the steps within each group:
Explain to the group how they will signal to each speaker that their time is up. This is the choice of individual facilitators. Some choose to hold their phone up to indicate time, others hold up their hand, or pick up a candle if they have one lit. Other options include ringing a bell, or speaking out that time is up. It is good practice to give a warning, by making a signal 30 seconds before time is up. Often people take this as a cue to wind-up what they are saying, and there is no need to do anything when the 30 seconds is up as they will come to a close themselves.
Decide who will speak first (perhaps by asking for a volunteer), then ask the speaker to nominate an active listener, and check whether that person is willing to take on the role. Start the timer when the speaker begins.
Once the speaker has said a few sentences, ask them to pause, and invite the active listener to reflect back what they’ve heard so far. It’s best not to leave it too long, or it may become difficult for the listener to track the content, and they may begin to feel overwhelmed. Once the listener has had a chance to reflect, then encourage the speaker to carry on speaking. Continue like this until the speaker’s time is up, then signal to them to stop.
The active listener now becomes the next speaker. Ask them who they would like to speak to, and this person becomes the next active listener.
Continue in this format for the duration of the empathy cafe. Everyone should have several turns to speak. After the first couple of rounds, the facilitator’s role is minimal, and is mainly focused on time-keeping, as participants usually pick up the format quite easily and are able to self-organise.
There is often no need to intervene at all, unless participants forget to nominate a listener before beginning to speak, which happens from time to time, or a speaker continues for too long without pausing to allow the listener to reflect.
At the end of the allotted time, the host calls participants back from the individual empathy circles into the main cafe space (it’s good practice to give a few minutes warning, to allow groups to wrap up).
The whole group then has a chance to debrief. The host can ask a question like ‘how did you find the empathy circle?’ or ‘how was the experience in your group?’ Depending on time and numbers, there can either be a round with each person getting a chance to speak, or people can speak popcorn style (‘popping up’ to speak one at a time whenever they choose to).
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