Step 1 : Start a conversation

Tell the person about your worry and ask for their advice. People are honoured to give advice if the question is sincere. Making the issue personal is more genuine and interesting. Pre-empting fears reduces potential resistance, and breaks the confrontation by making the person you are speaking with part of your team.

Conversation starters could include:

-     ‘I wonder what I can do about…what’s your advice?’ 

-     ‘What would it take for us to…’ 

-     ‘What makes it so hard to talk about…? 

Focus on the heart – what people are feeling and needing – rather than getting caught up in analyses, diagnoses and judgments.

Step 2: Keep the conversation alive (1)

Avoid Conversation Stoppers

Using ‘why?’, ‘no!’ and ‘yes, but…’ negates, judges and moves the conversation into an inquisition or cross-examination mode. Agreeing or disagreeing brings you back into judgement mode. Reflect back what the person you are speaking to says, so they know they have been heard.

Avoid Why? Instead ask ‘can you explain to me how you got to this conclusion? 

Avoid No! Instead say ‘how does this connect to (your idea)?’ 

Avoid ‘Yes, but…’ Instead use ‘yes, and…’ or say ‘yes I hear you say…and at the same time I observe…’ . Never hear judgments, just needs and feelings.

Step 3: Keep the conversation alive (2)

Intensify It

Conversation intensifiers affirm your interest, and encourage and welcome the contribution of the person with whom you are speaking.

Enjoy listening: ‘That’s interesting, can you tell me more?’ Ask for examples. 

When people challenge you, hear it as an unmet need and answer accordingly. You can show compassion if you try more to understand than to be understood.